New chorus for sample in a jar

I was driving in my car the other day, when the Phish song Sample in a Jar was playing on the radio. I felt an itchiness in my veins, and was really jonesing for some kind of fix, and I realized it was Trey's voice that made me kinda woozy. So as the fine little hook came around again, I came up with my own chorus:

I was foggy rather groggy
and I crossed the double lines.
What's that flashing right behind me?
It's a New York Statie's lights.
I gave him too much information
and he found my heroin.
Now I'm facing a grand jury
for the bindle in my car.

OOOOOOh, OOOOOOh
the bindle in my car

Jobless and loving it

I lost my job March 12th or should I say, they lost me. After working there for 5 years, I was told that my personal belongings would be brought to me (which they weren't) and that my checks would be mailed, but for now "we think it's best if you just leave."
So yeah. now I have some time on my hands, and have spent a majority of this time looking for gainful employment here in Vermont which is like... well it's hard. So now, I sit here, and while looking at the website I used to maintain I am laughing because none of the links to their sale items are working, and the price for said sale items hasn't been reduced. Check it out... www.wayoutwax.com go there and try for yourself. then call 888-727-1903, press 1 when you hear a voice, and tell them their website doesn't work. Ask them if they have a webmaster. They don't. Ask them if they use paraffin in their candles. then ask them why a company that claims to be green is supporting the petroleum industry. Double standard? Who gives a shit. Just like Bart Simpson said after his visit to Vermont "did you know that candles are made by losers?"

Now you do.

Powerful Hosting isn't powerful at all

I have had it with our web host. By "our" I mean the company I work for. By "had it" I mean if I wasn't so far removed from this guy, I would put a flaming bag of human feces and hair clippings on his porch and set it aflame. Saturday, they implemented an upgrade which included not informing us of the upcoming change so that the naturally distrustful person i am would do my own backup of our stuff (even though in their self-proclaimed Powerfulness they say they do that for you) as I was planning on doing yesterday anyway. But I got buggered in a major way. See, as I see it (and am willing to bet on this) they had a problem and used a backup of our site BUT THEY HADN'T BACKED UP SINCE NOVEMBER. Fortunately, I have, but the real reaming of the buggering comes from the fact that the guy messed up our login, and now even he can't get in. So I can't upload our stuff and make us look far better than the idiots we appear to be right now. I guess I'll just have to package up that dung and mail it off to him... C.O.D.

seanbee - super sensitive - abuse with caution

As you can tell from the badge on the right, I have a flickr account. If you don't know what it is, it's a site presumably for photo-sharing, but is also a forum for groups with common interests.

I administer one of these groups. In looking it over, I noticed an image that didn't quite fit in. It was a bird atop a chimney with a rainbow coming down on it. It was seriously over-doctored. And rather than delete his image, I commented on it. I told him it was like a supermodel to me - too doctored for me to find beauty. I said it was like jon benet ramsey - something made up to be something it wasn't. Meanwhile, everyone was fellating him saying how gorgeous it was.

his handle is seanbee and he's a self-pleasuring 62 year old that is a member (and I mean member) of groups such as "girls kissing girls". Poor old sod, gotsta get it from the net - a wanker for real.

Anyway, I get to work and there's an email from him:

:: Dont come back


Really appreciate the comments - thank you all and @derekmas - your comments are very apt. i take on board all you said. I love the way you dress your little monkey as a baby - tho far far far too many pics. I also love the principle and application of free speech - works both ways

I had to start a new account just to reply. I said:

Sensitive, aren't we? I saw your image in a group I administer, but your image didn't belong. Rather than delete it, I commented. Sorry, it looked fake to me. As for free speech, you are free to speak to me, but leave my daughter out of it. I don't know if you're a spiritual person, but you just insulted the daughter of a priest.

And yes, I do have a lot of pictures of her. It's the only reason I have a flickr account. I post images so family all around the world can keep up with her development and download pictures as they please.

Perhaps you should start a new group called Positive Feedback Only - a sit-in for sensitive types.

So then he replied...

From:

seanbee
Subject:

Re: your flickrmail


I withdraw my observations about your daughter and apologise to her for them. You were right.

However i still think you are an arsehole so this time don't come back

Yeah! I'm an arsehole! My first inter-continental insult! Anyway, go check out his images and leave negative feedback. He's super-sensitive (like a chaffed glans), and will probably both delete your comment, and block you... twice.

Adios Jackass!

I just got word that Donald Rumsfeld is resigning.

How does one express glee while still tingling with the "I can't believe I ate that much I can't Believe it's not Butter" heebyjeebies that my skin is crawling with right now? (It was a lot of I can't believe it's not butter... I smell like I just got rushed by Fabio.)

First Democrats insisted he resign, but no. Then, even Republicans said, "come on, dude". Still no. Is it really because the American public seemed to overwhelmingly agree that there are some serious problems with the current administration, or did he just look in the mirror this morning and say, "I think I can sell Avon"?

I mean, twice during the whole Abu Ghraib ordeal he offered to resign, but our boy George (Boy George, did I just say that?) said, "no, you're doing a fine job". Now, after what the prez refers to as a "thumping" they mutually agree that a fresh perspective is needed.

Yeah, like one that acts on accurate intelligence.

So now, I reflect upon the Big Lebowski, and would like to paraphrase the American public's sentiment towards Mr. Rumsfeld: "Shut the fuck up Donny!"

Born agains are sexy, just sexy

So yeah, I am purchasing a couple of monitors for my work. Turns out it's from a company run by born agains. I had a couple of problems in communication with them, however, and my correspondence became more and more well, strident, shall we say. I used the old WWJD concept on them and BAM! I got a response. (good christian, good boy)

After apologizing to me for a slow turn around, and still no information I might add, he signed his letter to me as follows:


In Him,

Gary

That's pretty revealing there, Gary. I hope you have Christ's consent. All in all it gave me a new visual for "turn the other cheek".

what a difference a handjob can make

here's a fun game you can play with folks... the next time you hear Jack Abramoff's name being mentioned by ANYONE... simply raise your hand and announce, "I'm Abram". It works better if you're a guy (probably the only people who would find this mildly amusing).

What do I care... no one's going to read this.

Chytoria Graham should be tortured

I didn't believe in torture until I read today that a 27 year old woman from Erie PA used her 4 week old child as a weapon. She used the infant to beat a man in her house. According to CNN, the baby was critically injured.

This woman had four other children. Hopefully they will never see her again. Which, I know is sad, because children aren't necessarily capable of understanding the ills that a parent might exhibit as being abnormal. They would be hurt, saddened and confused... I mean will, but who knows what this woman has done to them.

I realize that I am making a brash judgement based on an initial bit of information provided to me by CNN of all sources, but as a parent I feel it's deplorable to (no matter how upset you are) even THINK of an infant as an object. Let alone an object you would use to hit somebody with.

My alphabetic acronym letter to Jesus.

My alphabetic acronym letter to Jesus.


Atta
Boy
Christ!
Do
Everything
For
God.
He
Is
Just,
Kind,
Loving,
Merciful.
Never
Overlooking
Pious
Questions,
Reminding
Sinners
Through
Unrelenting
Vengeance
We're
Xenophobic
Yearnful
Zealots.

0x800ccc0f - the update.

Funny how when you make claims on the web, within minutes, the problems you express seem to vanish into thin air. I was having an issue with the 0x800ccc0f error, and was doing 2 things: 1 - hassling my ISP and 2 - detect and repair of my outlook. I'm not sure which thing caused the problem to be rectified, but my sending issue has been resolved, but the detect and repair hasn't completed. My guess is that the last comment I made to my ISP with regard to their new firewall settings was the answer. BUT I'LL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE THEY NEVER RETURN PHONE CALLS. It's funny because the Flash animation they have on their front page gives a testimonial as to how nice it is to call and have the phone answered. Sure.. That's all well and good, but when it comes time to return the call is the time I remember the Seinfeld episode that had to do with a car rental place being able to take a reservation, but not being able to keep the reservation which is, of course, the most important part of any reservation.

0x800ccc0f... the misery

So I just came in today to work to find that my Outlook 2003 is giving me an error, 0x800ccc0f to be specific, that tells me the contact with my server was interrupted. there are numerous issues all over the web with regard to this particular error, and many seem to blame Norton Anti-Virus. The thing is, I am not using Norton. I have temporarily stifled email scanning through McAfee, but still the problem remains. If you go to Microsoft, the knowledge base article refers to a hell of a lot of possibilities, so I started off per their suggestion with creating a new profile. That didn't work. I called my ISP (hostmysite.com) and they assure me that it's microsoft's problem.

So, after futher investigation, I see that this error is also caused by firewall issues. I called back HostMySite, and still the denial continues. BUT HERE'S THE THING. They just updated their firewalls on Monday. Is this my fault? is it Microsoft's? I think not. The fact that I can't telnet to either of the ports (25 and 50) makes me believe that this is in fact a firewall issue on their end. But they don't

Isn't it funny how zealous employees can be when it comes to defending their company? The instant answer I have always gotten from them is that it isn't their fault. Then, after a lengthy conversation that ends up with them agreeing that I'm doing everything right, I still have no progress. I still cannot send from within Outlook. I can send from within their web interface (internal... probably defined as OK by their new firewall), and so can my router. But with outlook? Has anyone else experienced this issue? Has anyone had problems with HostMySite? I am very curious... but have no expectation in getting a reply because I have gone wholly unnoticed in the blogosphere forever.

This is a test. This is only a test. Anyone out there?

I hope Miami can win despite GP

There is a reason Gary Payton hasn't won a ring... it's because he's cursed. He had some skills back in the day, but now as he's reserved himself to the fact that he's not top rated, he isn't a starter, and barely gets minutes (even Mourning gets more minutes, and his kidneys failed years ago). Yes, Gary Payton can ruin any potential dynasty. But, I'm sure his ego is somewhat lifted after contributing to the team needs in games 3 and 5. But Pat Riley (in case you're listening) if you want to win tonight, DON'T LET PAYTON PLAY! tell him the game was moved to, say, New Orleans or something... put him in a cab and send him on his way. He is rougher than herpes and unfortunately he keeps coming back. Please send him away today and you will have another ring, otherwise, it's GP ringworm for all the guys.

belly

belly
Originally uploaded by derekmas10.

We have a hot one here! I posted this pic on flickr, with some misleading tags like belly, breasts, hottie, etc and my wife's pissed that it's been viewed almost a thousand times. I think it's cute... 'CAUSE THOSE AIN'T HER SHOULDERS! So now I gotta figure a way to either get this picture famous, or write a song to get my ass out of the dog house. At least I like dogs.

That's right I'm Clergy

******************************************************
This notice hereby confirms that

Derek Masten
**** E****e ** Rd

M**********
Vermont
0****
US

is an ordained member of the clergy of
The Church of Spiritual Humanism
Date of Ordination: February 7, 2006
Ordained by R. A. Zorger, President
www.SpiritualHumanism.org
******************************************************

Of course I covered up the vital locational info, but it's true. I am now a man of the cloth, and don't think I don't take this seriously. I am going to be marrying my brother in May, so I had to get ordained. It was easy, and I believe that the organization is quite fitting of my beliefs in this world/ existence. So, if you don't believe I'm fit to carry this title, I can also administer your last rights.

It's tuesday, Whimpy... it's time to pay!

A guy who used to work here
Charlie is his name.
A very large boy for his age.

He has an infectious smile
big round cheeks
and the same question every day...

Sue, do you have a cigarette?
Marie, do you have a cigarette?
Jim, do you have a cigarette?

He is too young to buy
and too naive to realize
he's pissing off the people who are his friends.

so what can one say?
(I don't smoke, so he doesn't ask me)
"Sorry, Charlie"

You are like Whimpy on Popeye
(a dead and dusty comic)
You always ask like it's never tuesday.

But it IS tuesday.
and, perhaps, you should spread the love.
by thanking those around you (or just not coming 'round).

Did somebody say HNT??

So as I have been posting for a while and haven't ever been seen, I thought I would post a little ditty about sympathetic pregnancy. My wife is going on 32 weeks pregnant, and during this time, I have put on approximately 20 pounds. BUT, may I add, I still look fantastic. As my brother says, the family that waddles together stays together. SO HERE IT IS... MY FIRST HNT POST.

Avoid warrantys through refurbdepot.com

Hello all, I have a little worrisome story for y'all. I have had very good luck in the past with refurbished equipment. For the most part, all of the computers, cameras, etc I have purchased have done what they said they would do for as long as they said they would, BUT. I recently had a problem with a laptop I had purchased from refurbdepot.com. No problem, the unit was under warranty, so I contacted them and explained my situation. At first I should have been wary of how "prefencive" (a term I coined to sum up how people get defencive before you have even broached a problem) he was about my problem, but after he realized that, no, I hadn't tried to service the unit myself, he told me all was well. That company is Mack Camera. Avoid them like the plague. for instance: So now I have a laptop out in a hinterland of non-responsive repair departmental, snappy snide bitch operational, lack of customer service giving misery.

Happy f-ing new year.

OH yeah... what's this got to do with refurbdepot? they only offer third party warranties through Mack Camera. Refurbdepot had great customer service, prompt delivery, and timely posting of tracking information so you didn't have to search for it yourself. Buy all of your stuff there for all I'm concerned, just don't go with the warranty. MACK WILL F*CK YOU... REPEATEDLY... RIGHT IN THE ARSE!

Impeach Bush

Just a simple thought... straight forward... from the bottom of my heart. We have a criminal throwing this country headlong into a huge pile of dung. I had an argument the other day with a nephew of mine who lives in Amsterdam. He was telling me how dumb america was (is) because Bush is our "leader". I had to remind him that you don't have to love Bush to love America. And likewise by hating Bush as an American, one isn't being hypocrite. So lets get rid of him and allow our country to converse with others without having to feel all defensive because our president is a lying, criminal bastard.

And we're being spied on right now because we wish to exercise our right to free speech. tap, tap, tap... is this thing on???? yes? well, bush go fuck yourself. 'cause we're sick of you fucking us.

My non-descript year at a glance

So I turned 34 today. Very non-descript year, I must add. So what's on my plate for 2006? I sure would like to know, but as my birthday is near the end of the year, I kind of use this as a fake new-years resolution. Here's what's on my plate:

Starting today, (and I am not a religious man) I am going to pray that we have a miraculous regime change here in the U.S. The man and his fraudulent cronies must go. The United States looks like a global bitch and that must stop by any means necessary.

January 20th my father turns 65. I will send him a card this year... it's been far too long.

February 5th our parenting classes end. Perhaps I will be certified to be a parent, but I'm not sure.

Come March 18th or so, I am expecting a daughter. Her name is Phoenix, and if you don't like it you can go **** yourself.

Perhaps near Memorial day, we (my family) will take a trip out west to visit my parents, grandparent, aunts uncles & the lot.

June 3rd my wife is scheduled to go back to work. This is where child care will come in quite handy... if we can get in anywhere.

July 4th we celebrate our tenuous freedom. Just don't say anything 'cause you might end up unexpectedly (and unexplainedly) in some sweaty man-party called prison.

By August I hope to have completed a full on garden complete with a deck for our shed/greenhouse, new ballusters for our staircase, and perhaps will have started communicating via sign language with my daughter.

September brings labor day, the end of yard sales in my neck of the woods, and the beginning of the end of foliage here in Vermont.

October we will begin the fun of Halloween with our baby girl. We will dress her up as a rabbit with a carrot sewn on the hand... How do I know this??? 'cause we already have the rabbit costume and it's cute as hell. I will eat the candy.

November - Thanksgiving, Christmas rush, cold leafless trees.

December - I will turn 35... not so non-descript... I'll have to put some real thought into 2007.

That tingling feeling

I came to a realization yesterday that pretty much explains how I'm naive. First off, I am a Sagittarius, and am thusly labeled as naive. AND IT'S TRUE! I wouldn't say I'm all that interested in Astrology, but every time I read about myself, it says that one of my weaknesses is that I expect everyone around me to be as truthful as I am. I don't believe in deceit... I feel it's a tactic of the weak and manipulative. ANYWAY- So I tend to believe people which is stupid, 'cause I'm intelligent AND I've been burned before. But here's what I think is happening:

Imagine two people in a movie theater. The movie is a sequel, and only one of these two has seen the original. During the film, amidst a barrage of action and information, a reference to the first film is made. Without hesitation (or missing a beat of what's happening now) the person who has seen the first film leans over to the newbie and whispers the crucial information as a concise synapsis. The newbie quickly files the new information in their head and translates the images before them instantaneously based on this new pillar of knowledge. Somehow all seems right. BUT WHAT MADE IT POSSIBLE? The newbie was able to move foreward (if you will) because they didn't have to weigh the actual possibility of truth behind the words of the other. The smooth transition was made possible by that very naivitee I am a victim of... They took it as A GIVEN.