That dog Bear that has been getting into our garbage

Isn't a dog at all. It's a bear and it's in our yard... again.

Yes, living in the woods here in Vermont can be quite an interesting episode of wild animal kingdom. Last night I was on the phone with my parents out in California, and amidst the excitement of speaking with long distance relatives up bumbles a big, black bear.

I ran to my camera... batteries dead. I grabbed my cell... too dark to get an image. I wailed, "Nooooooooo" shaking my fists at the sky. No one will ever believe me. What's worse is that I looked out this morning and it was back... or was it a different bear? Nonetheless, I had to do everything in my power to keep the dogs at bay. I joke a lot about how I'm not into dogs any more with a child and all, but I don't think I'd enjoy sopping up their poor, bludgeoned and mauled corpses.

Bears make me languid.

So what to do? Do I Google "natural bear repellents"? Do I storm the mayor's office chanting "we're here, we're clear, we don't want anymore bears"? I'm thinking ammonia. Nothing clears a hungry bear's sinuses like a blast of ammonia... I think.

What I wouldn't do for a group of bear-taming gypsies from the old country right about now. If you can call running a large brass ring through their noses and chaining them to a refurbished trolly car "taming". Maybe if I create a wind chime out of a bunch of old tambourines and castanets tied together with bandannas and strips of old tapestries, it will evoke a primal fear of nomadic circusfolk and make him leave on his own.

I don't want education, I just want my stuff

Yeah, go fuck yourself you self-righteous, "I have no time to learn for myself or my posterity" piece of self-indulgent, short-timer, do-it-for-me, no wonder there are so many abused souls in this world piece of corn in a hobo's feces BITCH!

I'm glad you're leaving.

Treo 650 - misery wrapped in a shiny shroud of suck

I recently encountered a Treo 650 the first time the other day, because its owner was experiencing issues and as the new IT guy, I was asked to "fix it". First off, if you go to the Treo site, you will not get any information on RCC Unicel. So it was off to the Unicel site. they offer 3rd party software to sync with Exchange Server, and it was a pain to install, so I figured they might have a FAQs page. No such luck. I examined the compact library of setup info, manuals and PDFs supplied by Unicel as to how to troubleshoot the issue (that they are learning as they go, too, so I'm again out of luck.)

The bad appl(ication) is called mail2go. It is supposed to sync automatically with a direct connection that Unicel has with our Exchange Server, but it won't. Instead it just sends a loud alarm to the end user every 5 minutes at maximum volume and drains the battery.

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of great features that this phone provides provided you get your service through Verizon or Sprint or someone... just not Unicel. I've now spent 2 days on it and only can get partial rectification for the issue. It will manually sync, but it wont automatically sync and the unit isn't sending the error message to exchange's event logs. How the F*** am I supposed to troubleshoot that?

The image that comes to my head is the destruction of a certain copier in the ever-so-popular and classic Office Space. I have the tune running through my head right now... Die motherf*cker, Die motherf*cker Die!

dr. def

After we already got back James Brown, Rick James (RIP), and Nelson Mandela, the list is close to complete with the release of Jack Kevorkian from prison. I'm trying to think of who might be in prison that I would rather see on the outside, and am drawing a blank. I can think of tons of people I would like to see disappear into "unofficial" camps run by the Bush committee, but I can't think of anyone who needs freeing.

Any ideas? Please pass this along and have people comment for data purposes. Oh wait, no-one reads this.

when you want to be the angel of death to save a life

Yet another tragic entry in the world of Texas today. A woman hanged herself and her 3 kids this weekend, but the 8 month old survived. These are the moments when I wish I was the angel of death so I could reverse the process. Can the angel of death undo it's work? I'm not sure, but if I was said angel, I'd be sure to backup so I could restore my work. I know... a tacky techie entry, but it's true. I would love to undo all the deaths involved to save the children, but also to see if I could talk with the angel of insanity to see if I could trade a few ounces of prevention for numerous pounds of cure and get the 23 year old mother some help.
I used to be more cynical, but I remember the amazement that my 8 month old daughter instilled in me and am now all soft and shit. *sorry to use an expletive, but it's a phrase I'm finding hard to shake from my vernacular*
I'm sure the neighbors who used to enjoy watching the children play on their porch are all wondering whether or not there was anything they could have done differently to lend a helping hand to the woman. They're going to feel a sick knot in their stomachs as a new family moves into the house and their children play on that porch. Will the neighbors tell them what happened? Will they welcome these new neighbors more eagerly than they welcomed the last? Or will they just look across the street, wave, and think somberly of what horrors took place and quietly bow their heads in distress?

Rassa-Frassa

I will change the nature of my position. See, I work in a place that deals with adoption, family crisis, substance abuse recovery and re-injection into society for those who wish to break a long chain of bad decisions. This means that I work with people who don't necessarily appreciate the wide range of things I spout out of my mouth. A Latyrx lyric says "I hold the reigns to my tongue"... my ammendment is that I don't always have to give it a good Giddy-up! Unless, of course, I feel that those around me can benefit from laughing at the horrid and absurd. So next time you hear that a baby is 1 pound, ask yourself if you would ask the person telling you that if that weight includes the tubes and tape. If you choose yes, don't expect your partner in conversation to laugh a laugh of amusement, but rather one of horror.

Unemployed no more

I have a new job! it's rather satisfying, too. The first day I was in, I got to lock out a disgruntled employee who was threatening litigation. OH POWER, SWEET POWER! Who needs people who can't get results unless they mention calling a lawyer? Not me... not anyone. So, if you need "undesirables" removed from your network, but are a bit uncomfortable doing it, I will work for blame. Just do it and say, "it wasn't me, it was Derek." Works every time. Why? because I don't follow up with correspondence and I don't answer the phone if it says your name.

New chorus for sample in a jar

I was driving in my car the other day, when the Phish song Sample in a Jar was playing on the radio. I felt an itchiness in my veins, and was really jonesing for some kind of fix, and I realized it was Trey's voice that made me kinda woozy. So as the fine little hook came around again, I came up with my own chorus:

I was foggy rather groggy
and I crossed the double lines.
What's that flashing right behind me?
It's a New York Statie's lights.
I gave him too much information
and he found my heroin.
Now I'm facing a grand jury
for the bindle in my car.

OOOOOOh, OOOOOOh
the bindle in my car

Jobless and loving it

I lost my job March 12th or should I say, they lost me. After working there for 5 years, I was told that my personal belongings would be brought to me (which they weren't) and that my checks would be mailed, but for now "we think it's best if you just leave."
So yeah. now I have some time on my hands, and have spent a majority of this time looking for gainful employment here in Vermont which is like... well it's hard. So now, I sit here, and while looking at the website I used to maintain I am laughing because none of the links to their sale items are working, and the price for said sale items hasn't been reduced. Check it out... www.wayoutwax.com go there and try for yourself. then call 888-727-1903, press 1 when you hear a voice, and tell them their website doesn't work. Ask them if they have a webmaster. They don't. Ask them if they use paraffin in their candles. then ask them why a company that claims to be green is supporting the petroleum industry. Double standard? Who gives a shit. Just like Bart Simpson said after his visit to Vermont "did you know that candles are made by losers?"

Now you do.

Powerful Hosting isn't powerful at all

I have had it with our web host. By "our" I mean the company I work for. By "had it" I mean if I wasn't so far removed from this guy, I would put a flaming bag of human feces and hair clippings on his porch and set it aflame. Saturday, they implemented an upgrade which included not informing us of the upcoming change so that the naturally distrustful person i am would do my own backup of our stuff (even though in their self-proclaimed Powerfulness they say they do that for you) as I was planning on doing yesterday anyway. But I got buggered in a major way. See, as I see it (and am willing to bet on this) they had a problem and used a backup of our site BUT THEY HADN'T BACKED UP SINCE NOVEMBER. Fortunately, I have, but the real reaming of the buggering comes from the fact that the guy messed up our login, and now even he can't get in. So I can't upload our stuff and make us look far better than the idiots we appear to be right now. I guess I'll just have to package up that dung and mail it off to him... C.O.D.